Introduction

While divorce can naturally lead to difficult emotions for children, it is important to distinguish between legitimate estrangement and harmful parental alienation. Encouraging a positive, forgiving relationship with both parents, even in the face of past mistakes, is vital to the child’s emotional health and future stability.

Key Takeaways:

  • Parental alienation is understood as when one parent intentionally influences a child into disrespecting the other parent, and possibly into being fearful of that parent. 
  • Estrangement is when a child decides to side with one parent in a contentious divorce or separation, and then is disrespectful or rude towards the other parent. 
  • These terms are controversial, and rarely do they occur on their own, in real life usually there is a combination of both these ideas occurring. 

Does my child have Parental Alienation Syndrome?

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) refers to situations where a child is manipulated or influenced to reject one parent, often by the other parent, in the context of a separation or divorce. On the other hand, estrangement occurs when a child distances themselves from a parent for legitimate and logical reasons, often due to the actions of the parent themselves. 

While this is a very clear distinction between these two types of parental rejection, in real life these situations are rarely black and white. In most divorce situations where a child rejects a parent there tends to be an interplay of both PAS and Estrangement. 

Beyond being more complex than either of these definitions make it seem, PAS can be a controversial term in the psychology community. While rejecting a parent is a nuanced and complex situation, it’s important to distinguish between the factors that can affect parental rejection. This can help you if you are going through divorce proceedings or know someone else going through divorce proceedings and want to understand more. 

Some children can reject a parent in the strained relationships that can occur as a result of a divorce. When this happens it becomes difficult for the estranged or rejected parent to receive the affection of their child again. For example, if a child learns about an affair and places blame on the parent responsible for the family’s disintegration, and then rejects that parent, this is more a form of Estrangement than PAS. However, it is rarely this cut and dry in real life, as we know these situations are rarely this simple and many factors beyond the child’s own thoughts can influence their decision making process. 

What is Estrangement?

Estrangement is when a child independently learns about an affair or harmful behavior performed by what they would consider to be the offending parent. The child can then decide on their own to reject their parent. The other parent is not involved in influencing or encouraging this decision and may even discourage estrangement. This is the most basic definition of Estrangement, but again real life situations can often be more complex. 

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)?

Parental Alienation Syndrome is when a child learns about an affair or harmful behavior of the offending parent, from the alienating parent. The alienating parent coaches or encourages the child not to forgive the other parent. The alienating parent plays an active role in pushing the child towards rejecting the other parent. Again this is the most basic definition of PAS and this term can be considered controversial and some experts doubt the validity of this term. 

Children experiencing the emotional turmoil of divorce are often confused and hurt. As humans we often want to find the root cause of a problem, and children are no different. They will often try to find someone to blame for the dissolution of the marriage. These situations are rarely this cut and dry and oftentimes it is a combination of a variety of PAS and estrangement.

Fortunately for those parents dealing with Estrangement, in many cases, it can be resolved with the help of both parties. When both parents actively support and encourage the child’s relationship with the other parent, children are more likely to recover emotionally and move forward in a healthy manner.

How does abuse affect estrangement?

Abuse is a serious matter and in any case should be treated with the utmost care, and it can seriously affect the relationship between a child and a parent. Protecting the child from harm is always the first priority. Any steps taken in the event of physical or emotional abuse should be taken with the utmost care and a psychologist or certified family therapist should be consulted in these situations. 

What to do in the case of exaggerated or False Allegations of Abuse?

Unfortunately, in some cases, one parent may use exaggerated or unfounded claims of abuse to alienate the child from the other parent. This kind of behavior is an example of PAS. Any time a parent tries to manipulate or influence a child to sever ties with the other parent, it falls under the scope of parental alienation. Parents can often have diverse reasons for influencing their child. While protecting children is paramount, using false claims to damage a relationship with the other parent is detrimental to the child’s long-term well-being. 

Summary

Remember that in most cases there usually is some influence of both estrangement or PAS and life can oftentimes be more gray than black and white. This article is meant to give you an idea of potential causes a child may be rejecting their parent in high stress situations such as a divorce.