Introduction
While parental alienation can be a serious problem, this may be considered a controversial idea by many psychologists. Keep this in mind as we discuss this form of alienation. While this idea is controversial, many divorces have to deal with this as a serious issue. While this article can discuss potential warning signs of parental alienation, there can be other root causes at bay. If you are worried, speak to a family therapist for more help.
Key Takeaways:
- There are a variety of warning signs when Parental Alienation may be occurring, and generally entail a child distancing themself from one parent without proper cause.
- If you are worried that parental alienation may be occurring it is best to call a family therapist.
- We can work as a mediator when you may be trying to solve issues involved with Parental Alienation.
Why Does My Child Resist Spending Time with Me Since My Divorce?
Parental Alienation is when a child continually belittles and insults one parent without justification as a result of the direct influence of the other parent. They resist spending time with that parent, or are unhappy when they are with that parent. The term Parental Alienation Syndrome was first introduced by Richard A. Gardner over 30 years ago. Parental alienation is generally understood as when an offending parent influences their child to dislike or have negative feelings toward the alienated parent. This is separate from estrangement when a child of their own volition decides to distance themself from a parent as a result of a perceived offense. Generally these two forms of distancing oneself from a parent occurs during a divorce.
Below are some of the warning signs for Parental Alienation Syndrome.
What are Parental Alienation Symptoms in the Child/Children?
- Using foul language and rebellious behavior to resist the alienated parent.
- The child gives absurd, ridiculous or weak explanations for their outbursts.
- The child is confident in themselves and will demonstrate only hate for the alienated parent.
- The child argues that they alone have decided that an alienated parent is bad. Saying things like: “No one told me to do this.”
- The child expresses a need to support and protect the other parent.
- The child shows no sign of guilt for their cruelty toward the alienated parent.
- The child describes scenarios that they could never have experienced or scenarios they have borrowed.
- Their anger and cruelty is spread to the alienated parent’s friends, family, and even pets.
- In severe cases the child may reach a point where they don’t want to spend any time with the alienated parent.
What are Parental Alienation Symptoms from the Offending Parent?
- An offending parent discourages the independence of child/children.
- Offending parent encourages continued dependence of children on them and can use safety as the reason for their control.
- Offending parent may insist on sleeping with the child, feeding the child and taking care of these things long after the child should have matured past needing them.
- Offending parent does not believe the alienated parent is capable of planning time with the child/children.
- Offending parent may sign the child/children up for activities during alienated parents time without permission of the alienated parent.
- Offending parent may try to influence who the child/children may see or not see
- Offending parent may make promises for the alienated parent to keep if he or she wants to keep the children happy. For example: They may have promised that the alienated parent would buy them things or take them places without the alienated parent’s consent.
Parental Alienation – 3 Types
Dr. Douglas Darnall in his book Divorce Casualties: Protecting Your Children from Parental Alienation outlines three categories of Parental Alienation. We will list them briefly here.
Mild Category – Naive Alienators.
The parent is unaware of what they are doing and is willing to try and change. They are merely subconsciously and unintentionally lashing out. At this stage a child may simply resist visiting their other parent but actually has a good time once they are with that parent.
Moderate Category – Active Alienators
The offending parent may lose control and cross boundaries. They are not in control of their emotions. When they’ve gotten more time from the divorce they may still be reluctant to admit the loss of control. A child in this stage will actively resist time with the alienated parent and continue to resent them while they spend time with them.
Severe Category – Obsessed Alienators
The child operates from a delusional system where every part of their being is committed to the destruction of the alienated parent. Children at this stage will not only resist spending time with the alienated parent but may hide or run away when it comes time to spend with the alienated parent.
Why does Parental Alienation occur?
Parental alienation can have many causes and is a complex issue. Parental alienation can often occur in very contentious divorces with complex custody battles. Beyond the circumstances of the divorce, there are a wide array of reasons an individual can be more prone to alienating the other parent.
This can be because of personal family history, personality traits, or current mental health state. There can be a variety of reasons and sometimes there may be no visible causes for why the parent is seeking to alienate the other parent. It is a complex issue, and controversial. It should be considered within the broader context of family dynamics and individual circumstance.
Conclusion:
Parental alienation is a difficult problem, and it only serves to complicate divorce, an already tough situation. If you are or a friend is struggling with parental alienation, do not hesitate to reach out and support them. Contacting a family therapist can be one way to help solve the problem and we are also ready to help as mediators in any situation. Let us know if you need help by giving us a call.
